i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
