You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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