she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
