I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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