Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I came so hard my ears popped.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
