I'm really into asian looking animals
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
