I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
