So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
