Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
