So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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