went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
