Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
