Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
