My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
