i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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