worst night to have a conscience
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize