You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
