Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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