Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
