The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
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So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
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Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Success! We fucked roommates!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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