Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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