Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
