....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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