just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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