peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
