He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
