My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
