They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
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My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
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She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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