I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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