I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
