I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we're making bets on your personal life
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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