I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
