I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
being pregnant is like rehab
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
