You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
