If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
