First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
