Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
