I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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