Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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