I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
