If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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