I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
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First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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