"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
