Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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