My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
