if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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