Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
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on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
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I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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