a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
