I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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