the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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