so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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