how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
