Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
