so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
