i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
