you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
