remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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