before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
