Pregnant stripper...not hot.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
