Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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