so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
