my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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